Diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2017 at age 42, Hanna Olivas was first angry and then scared. Her doctors agreed that this type of blood cancer was incurable. However, she could not predict how long she would live. „One doctor said you have a year to live. One doctor said you have five. One doctor said six and another said they don't know,“ Olivas says.
On the other hand, some of her friends were strangely optimistic. On her social media and in person, they told her things like, „It's okay!“ „You've got this!'' „You're a fighter!'' They suggested medicines and vitamins for her to try, constantly assuring her that everything would be fine because she was a warrior.
Olivas knew they were trying to help. However, their persistent reprimands felt negative and cut off real conversation.
„I'm like, wait a minute. There's not an ounce of positivity in me right now,“ says Olivas, who lives in Las Vegas. „I'm really upset, and I have every right to be.“
Being positive and being optimistic are two different things. However, if it goes too far, you may cross the line and become so-called toxin positive. It can occur in all kinds of situations, including health concerns, job loss, relationship conflicts, pregnancy and fertility concerns, grief, and feelings of loss. In essence, toxic positivity oversimplifies a complex situation and tries to put an endlessly bright spin on it, regardless of reality.
Even if someone has good intentions, if that person exhibits toxic positivity, the result is that they must be happy or pursue happiness, no matter the circumstances. Psychotherapist Whitney Goodman says, „It's an unrelenting pressure.“ We do it to ourselves and to others. And it's so pervasive in our culture that she wrote a book about it: toxic positive: In a world obsessed with being happy, let's keep it real. She says she got the idea for the book around 2019, when she saw the idea of eternal positivity taking over social media and showing up in sessions with patients.
„It was like there was a social contract that we all had to be happy all the time,“ Goodman says. “And if you don’t try to be more positive, if you don’t achieve that, you’re failing in some way.”
That is an impossible standard and can be harmful. Goodman points out that to stay positive, you need to suppress negative and unpleasant emotions, and pushing them away won't solve anything. „Uncomfortable negative emotions only worsen in other areas of your life,“ she says. “As a result, you may see disrupted sleep, disturbed mood, or disrupted eating patterns.”
Additionally, toxic positivity can isolate both the person giving it and the person receiving it, Goodman says. If you feel like your friend always expects a bright side from you, you may avoid talking about your feelings because you don't want to be silenced or feel judged.
The determination to remain rosy no matter the situation may also have cultural or religious roots, says Kimberly Applewhite, M.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and director of the Dialectics program.
Behavioral Therapy Program at Utah Evidence-Based Treatment Center in Salt Lake City. „Some people who share my racial-cultural framework (as a Black woman from the South) may have intergenerational experiences that make them vulnerable to harm when they reveal their true feelings.'' „We don't, and so we may mask our emotional experiences with smiles and hopeful platitudes,“ she says.
Applewhite says that in religion, avoiding negativity takes many forms. For some people, this may mean showing little or no emotion at a funeral because the deceased person is „in a better place.“ If they grieve publicly, they don't want others to question their belief in life after death. Applewhite said that in other traditions, people use the phrase „we're too blessed to be stressed out“ when something good or bad happens. „Sometimes this is a great strategy to keep things in perspective,“ she says. “But when someone uses this word during a difficult time to deny their own struggles, it can once again prevent them from getting the help they need.”
everything happens for a reason. Time heals wounds. Only positive vibes. God only gives you what you can handle. You are strong enough to deal with this. Think happy thoughts. If you've ever heard a friend or family member use these phrases to vent their frustrations or when they're struggling, they may be leaning toward toxic positivity despite their best intentions. These tips will help prevent that.
Be comfortable being uncomfortable. When a patient reveals a tendency like this, Applewhite says, it's an opportunity to stop with them and invite them to check in with themselves and consider why they react the way they do. Is called. “The pressure is Using a particular coping strategy, whether it's healthy or not, positive or negative, is generally inquisitive and often protects oneself from something disrespected. It comes from what I learned as a strategy,” she says.
People who have overly positive reactions are often trying to avoid discomfort, Applewhite said. She suggests mindfulness strategies as a way to become more attuned to these feelings.
Please check your language. It can be helpful to evaluate and discard specific words. if Once Applewhite realized that his default was to look for the silver lining in every situation, completely ignoring his own reality, he switched to more fact-based responses when talking to others and himself. I suggest that. „Instead of saying, 'It's okay' or 'Life happens!'“ Saying things like, „I'm going through a tough time right now, but I'm looking forward to this moment passing.“ You might say something.
If you often try to solve problems when your friend opens up to you, this may be the case. Instead of proposing solutions or turning the conversation into something more comfortable, ask questions, says Goodman. „Learn how to be more curious about people's experiences. And give people the space to really talk about what's going on.“
For many, these lessons were learned the hard way. Olivas, who is still undergoing treatment, began gently calling out people about toxic positivity. „I had to learn how to use my voice to advocate for myself,“ she says. „I believe in telling real stories, not so-called 'puff-puff stuff.'“ In 2020, she empowers other women who are facing or have faced tragedy. To do so, he co-founded a marketing and publishing business called She Rises Studios. , the same way.
Show up, be serious, and ask questions. That's Olivas' advice. „I don't think toxic positivity was intentional. I think people just don't know and want to say what they think is right,“ she says. „But it would be much better if they really listened to us when we were talking, instead of feeling like they had to give us answers or suggestions.“