I'm going to an important dinner tonight after work, and the clothes I need are at the dry cleaners. The dry cleaners are closed by the time you leave the office, so your partner graciously agrees to pick up some clothes for you. But when you get home, your partner looks up, puts a hand over his mouth, gasps, and says, „Dry cleaning!“
You won't believe it. Her pulse quickens, her face flushes, and she wants to scream. What do you do next? Take a beat? Do you release your anger or do you suppress all painful emotions?
Anger itself is a perfectly healthy and even beneficial emotion. However, the way you express your angry feelings can be more harmful than what made you angry in the first place.
„Anger often gets a bad rap as an emotion that we want to avoid, when in fact it's a very valid and important emotion,“ says Dr. Erin S. Barrett, director of the Psychological Services Clinic at the University of Missouri. „But not all expressions of anger or behaviors associated with anger are helpful.“
Anger is a biological response and is part of the „fight or flight“ response. This survival mechanism may have helped early humans stay alive in the face of threats. Bad situations prompt your body to react, whether it's to fight back or run away.
People today may not face the same life threats that our first ancestors experienced, but anger still serves an important purpose.
„For example, if an important goal is thwarted, someone you care about is threatened or attacked, or you feel disrespected or disempowered, anger can motivate you to change your behavior. Yes,” Barrett said. „Both physical pain and emotional pain can cause us to become angry.“
When we get angry, it can also be a so-called secondary emotion. That is, it is the result of another emotion, such as jealousy or fear.
Secondary emotions are usually more vulnerable and can be expressed in less revealing ways than primary emotions, says Dr. Ashley Hicks, director of the Ohio State University Couple and Family Therapy Clinic. „So when we think we're angry, what we're actually feeling is often hurt, embarrassment, fear, abandonment, or other feelings that are out of our control. ,” Hicks said.
Indeed, anger is an important emotion that communicates that „something is wrong, out of balance, unfair, and it needs to change,“ Hicks says.
But when your body is in fight-or-flight mode, you're under stress. Occasional stress is necessary, but ongoing stress, such as anger, can be detrimental to your health.
Research shows that anger is a risk factor for heart disease. Feeling it all the time can increase your risk of high blood pressure, stroke, ulcers, and bowel disease. It can also slow wound healing and increase the risk of certain cancers.
For these reasons, it is wise to learn how to manage and spread this beast in a healthy way.
First, Hicks says, before you can assess whether your anger is constructive or destructive, you first need to know what it feels like inside your body. „We begin to ignore the symptoms of anger because we believe that anger is bad and should be ignored or avoided altogether.“
The next time you feel angry, stop and notice how it feels in your body and increase your awareness. Does your pulse quicken? Does your jaw tighten? Do you cry?
Signs that your eyelids are about to roll over include feeling warm, your face flushing, your heart racing, and your voice getting louder. „These may indicate that we tend to act in maladaptive ways based on anger,“ Barrett says.
Perhaps the most dangerous sign, she added, is whether your emotions run high and you end up doing things you regret doing in the past. Maybe you say something unfair and hurtful to the person who offended you. Maybe you'll pop out of nowhere and there will be silence between the two of you for days.
But how can you get off a collision course of explosions and standoffs and pick yourself up before it's too late?
Don't get me wrong. It's hard to see things clearly when you see red. But if you want to express your emotions in a healthy way rather than a harmful one, you need to learn it.
Practicing mindfulness when you're not angry can help you develop the skills you need to stay mindful when you are angry. Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present in the moment and be aware of what you are thinking and feeling, down to the most subtle sensations, without becoming overwhelmed or overreacting to a situation. is.
Learning how to be mindful in calm situations, such as when eating or brushing your teeth, will help you use those skills in excited moments.
And there are many benefits to practicing mindfulness when you're angry.
„It helps you control your emotions and slows down in the moment so you don't act out your anger,“ Barrett says.
Slowing down or pausing allows you to think more deeply about what the next appropriate action is. In some cases, you may have to walk away. In other cases, it may mean telling the other person that you are upset and why. When you express your feelings, you can do so calmly and in a timely manner, and the other person will respond better.
The healthiest response to anger is not the same for everyone in every situation. If your fuse tends to blow, you may need to learn how to walk away. However, Barrett says, „If you're someone who tends to storm in and stew, you may need to learn how to use the 'I' word to proactively confront situations.“
„I“ speaking refers to speaking only about yourself in the moment to avoid saying something you might regret later. So instead of saying, „You don't listen to me,“ when you forget to bring your dry cleaning, you might say, „I feel like you don't listen to me.“ I don't know.
You can also remind yourself to look at the situation from the other person's perspective when you take a breather. Perhaps you can see why they acted in a way that offended you, even if you don't agree with it.
„Mindfulness also helps you check facts, which is a big thing,“ Barrett says.
When you feel angry, Barrett advises asking yourself what your beliefs are about the event, or what facts you know, before you react.
For example, you might think that if someone cuts you off in traffic, it's because they're a thoughtless idiot. But in reality, there are probably no facts about other drivers. The driver may have been on the way to an emergency or was having a bad day and was becoming inattentive to traffic.
You can also check the facts about yourself at the time. For example, ask yourself if your feelings are justified, and if you're angry because you're tired and stressed.
„When you start thinking seriously about what you know and don't know about a situation, you're less likely to react hastily,“ Barrett says.
Mindfulness is a popular practice these days, and for good reason. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can reduce anger. One study found that mindfulness reduced anger, hostility, and irritation in the workplace. Other studies have found that this practice reduces anger and distress in people who receive a troubling medical diagnosis such as cancer or diabetes.
Given its popularity, it will not be difficult to learn more on your own. Mindfulness workshops are thriving in many metropolitan areas, both online and in person.If you can't find the actual course, the Netflix documentary series is for you headspace meditation guide We offer lessons in mindfulness. There are also many mindfulness apps.
Emotions are expressed in physical ways in the body, Hicks says. „So we need to release that angry energy from our bodies.“
If, in a moment of mindfulness, you decide not to continue discussing or discussing the event that made you angry, you may need to release that negative energy in another way. Maybe it's something as simple as screaming into a pillow or taking a deep breath and counting to ten.
However, you may need a continuous supply of angry energy. Brett suggests learning your triggers. Maybe you're most prone to anger after a long day at work or when a bill is coming due. On days when your angry energy is stimulated and you are prone to bad behavior, find an outlet for your angry energy.
„You can learn how to channel your anger in a beneficial way. Intense exercise can help change your mood,“ says Barrett. „Or, you know, there's a reason why 'anger cleaning' is important.“
Remember that anger, like any other emotion, is a valid emotion. In fact, in many cases it is irrefutably guaranteed. Anger is bad for you and your relationships and is something to avoid.