What does it take to have a good, long-lasting marriage? I can't speak for everyone, and I don't believe there's one magic thing. However, her husband and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. And we can share what helped us. That is, we have learned how to express our emotions in a way that is meaningful to both of us. We speak each other's „love language“ fluently, as Dr. Gary Chapman puts it.
You may be familiar with Chapman's best-selling books. 5 love languages. Her husband and I tested it 11 years ago and wrote about it on her WebMD. As our marriage reached the quarter-century milestone, we tried Chapman's method again. Have love languages stood the test of time?
Thirty years ago, Chapman, a marriage and family therapist in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, divided what he noticed in his life into five categories. counseling Sessions couples desire for each other:
Chapman writes about them in his book. By learning each other's love languages, he says, couples can express their feelings in ways that are „deeply meaningful“ to each other.
For the first time, my husband and I drank Chapman's love words quiz They then spent the week filling each other's „love tanks“ (Chapman's metaphor for how much love each person felt).
We realized that we share the same love language of spending quality time. During a week of exploring local farmers markets, antique shopping, and chatting over wine at our favorite date night bar/restaurant, we bonded in a way we hadn't in years. I did.
Our respective love tanks were certainly very full. But that was then. How about now? Do love languages apply to my marriage or relationships in general?
A lot has changed since Chapman's book was published. And technology is a big part of that.
„We're all so tied to our phones that if we have any free time, we're more likely to be looking at our phones than we are at each other,“ Chapman said when I spoke again recently. he said.
Guilty. Most nights, my husband and I curl up on the couch, him on one side and me on the other, both of us scrolling through her Facebook or her Instagram while the TV blares in the background. can be seen. Chapman says the best antidote to technological interference is to put down your phones and talk to each other two or three times a week.
That's what we did. Before that, I took another look at the 5 Love Languages Quiz. This time the results were not the same. My husband scored highest on physical contact. Quality time again came first for me, words of affirmation came a close second, and she came in a close second.
„I think there are seasons in life, and circumstances probably influence your love language,“ Chapman says. “It doesn’t hurt to take a quiz every five years to find out.”
My husband and I still speak each other's love language. However, sometimes the dialects are slightly different. I love theater. He wants to spend time at a brewpub.I want Massage before going to bed. He wants it…you get the idea.
This time, instead of planning activities to do together, we simply focused more on each other. At Chapman's urging, several times a week we put down our phones, looked into each other's eyes and listened. I touched him more, even if it was just a short hug or a rub on the arm. He told me every day how much he loved and appreciated me.
I asked my husband if his love tank was full. that's right. Me too.
In his book, Chapman says his techniques could save „thousands of marriages.“ can you do that? I came into this process already with a solid marriage, but I had to make some adjustments. Would it have the same effect on unstable relationships?
Chapman is optimistic. He believes that no matter how difficult it is, we can change our relationships for the better.
„Love languages offer the most powerful way to positively influence your spouse because they address one of your spouse's most powerful needs: the desire for love.“ he says. “When people feel loved, they tend to be attracted to those who love them.”
Julie Nies, a certified marriage and family therapist and relationship trainer in Pensacola, Fla., says there's nothing wrong with the Five Love Languages approach, but it doesn't carry enough weight to solve more serious marital problems. No, he says.
„The five suggested expressions of love and caring are very nice and would be a great addition to an already pretty good and stable marriage,“ she says. „However, couples with very poor communication and problem-solving skills, or couples whose relationships are extremely damaged by long-standing unresolved grudges or frequent arguments, should not expect to fare the same way. ”
Some couples need to sort out basic issues and understand each other's goals, patterns, perceptions, etc. before becoming a well-functioning team, Nise says.
Chapman agrees that love languages won't solve all of a couple's problems, but they can address underlying emotional needs.
“Once that need is met, other issues in the marriage are more likely to be addressed,” he says. „This is just a tool to strengthen the relationship, especially the emotional part of the relationship.“
So if you and your partner want to explore each other's love languages, go into it with the understanding that while it's a good way to reconnect, it's not a quick fix. True love, something that lasts, requires a strong foundation and a lot of effort.